There must be different kinds of ‘old.’ When crawling home from recital at 10pm, dying to fall into bed on a Friday night, I looked around at the people in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s who were perfectly happy to be out and about, in bars, in clubs, walking around. All I could think of was Miss Marple and my duvet.
I must be the kind of ‘old’ that a person can only be born as The kind that must wear earplugs in loud spaces, CANNOT stay up all night and just can’t justify spending money on cheap shoes. I know I’m not alone. The fact is that I’ve surrounded myself with many friends who are exactly the same as me. It’s the only way I can feel normal. It’s just so difficult to ignore when I’m surrounded by 20-year-olds who eat pastries for lunch and can sit through a three hour recital from 8pm…
None of this is a problem, really. The only thing that worries me – and that has always worried me – is the inordinate amount of trouble I have with my body. You know, whether it’s back problems, muscle stiffness, torn cartilage or various viruses and infections, I’m generally crocked. I know people in their 70s who are generally healthier than I am.
It’s all starting to feel a little bit futile. You know, as soon as I get going with a good running routine, I become ill, and my progress is hindered. As soon as I get into a good cycling-to-college routine, I barely have enough energy to go to the bathroom, let alone cycle anywhere.
If this is what I’m like in my 20s and teens, what is ahead of me? I’m a fan of positive thinking, it got me to 5K and kept me there for quite a while, but let’s be realistic. I’m going to be unwell for the rest of my life. And there does reach a point where you just stop talking about it because you feel that people won’t believe you. I have at least one friend who I know doesn’t believe me when I talk about what’s wrong with me at any given moment, so I just stopped telling her.
Rationally, though, I’m not sure why people would believe me. If you, in your life, feel alright most of the time, I’m not sure how you could understand a seemingly healthy person having all of these random and unrelated problems. Personally, I currently can’t imagine what it would be like to feel just totally ‘ok.’ Not brilliant. Not amazing. Just base-level-fine.
This blog went in a direction I didn’t expect it to go…